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There are currenty 182 prayers in the archive. Whew!
God: "Your diet and exercise routines need to be carefully planned and monitored, my child. Family-sized Twinkie boxes are indeed heavy, but lifting them does not constitute weight training." HappyHeretic: "Why is it that you gave my knees a place to bend, but not my reasoning?" God: "The answer is, perhaps, more simple than you might have imagined. If your knees did not bend, you could not kneel to pray and worship me. If your reasoning would bend, you would question the logic of doing so." Four Walls: "please god dont let me injure myself horribly today when i do this stupid stunt" God: "A deity does not create billions of semi-intelligent lifeforms just to see them kill themselves in silly stunts. Unless He has an excellent insurance policy, of course.."
God: "You should not look to external sources to acheive positive self esteem. Look in the mirror and ask yourself if YOU like the Muslim you see. Jesus will be holding a seminar tentatively titled 'Muslim Affirmation' sometime in this century. Please watch the crop circles for more information once a date has been established." Jerry Jewman: "Jesus, I know you were a Jew like I am. Everyone in my family has a giant nose and I hate it! In the paintings I have seen of you Jesus...your nose is small, you have blonde/brown hair and blue eyes...that is not similar to the Jews I know. Will you please make my nose small like the Gentiles? Amen" God: "You have to take some responsibility for the way you look, my son. If you're unwilling to do away with those silly little hats, I'm not willing to give you all nose jobs."
God: "12%, eh? The Holy Ghost always gets the shaft in those polls. I guess that's why he does so many hauntings on the side. Mrs. Washington has been forgiven of her sins and Mrs. Dunright has promised not to ride in the back of the church bus anymore."
God: "Letsee here.. umm.. one.. two.. three.. four.. come on now, let's get one more.. oops.. okay, no shoving! Hey I said stop that. Alright. I wouldn't suggest more than four. It starts to get crowded at that point. I wont ask them to take off their clothes in such tight quarters as we have enough baby angels floating about up here. I think that it's safe to assume that anything worth doing is more fun doing naked." Lauren: "Please help me find my love.Is there anyone for me?Will Skip come back to me?" God: "I'm sorry to hear that Skip 'Skipped' out on you. I'm sure he'll 'Skip' back into your life rather soon. I'm glad you have put the other men in your life behind you.. I'm not sure I could have answered this prayer if you had inquired about Neil and Bob."
God: "Try curtsying to the preacher. If that doesn't work, employ other methods learned in class and drug him." LadyBug: "If your Prayer-O-Matic machine is so damn wonderful, how come it takes so long to get a reply?" God: "Rome wasn't built in a day, but the earth has been flooded in less time than that. Are you quite positive you would like to pray for a speedy response?" Anonymous: "please let all my teachers get amnesia and give me all A's" God: "Unfortunately the papers have all been graded with F's already. However, I would be happy to use amnesia to help you put it behind you."
God: "Sunbeams travel all the way from the heavens to the earth just to get slammed into the ground and bounced about for no good reason at all." Anonymous: "So God, are you going to restore my marriage? I expect you to!" God: "Mary, my child support payments are not enough? Now you want me to patch things up between you and Joseph? I will not accept this level of responsibility. Making these absurd demands is hurting Jesus more than it is me, since he's caught in the middle. For Christ's sake, just get on with your life." dire saint: "dear god, please let me die soon, if not answer this please... did you creat little green men for our amusment or torment... ty in advance for either answer." God: "Well, technically speaking, I created you for the entertainment of the little green men."
The Editor: "There is a wide range of stupidity in this world. Intelligent people enjoy the entertainment value of satire. Gullible people don't see satire for what it is, and may even believe in the absurd. The really stupid people, however, write whiny emails to people who cater to the intelligent." David Mcelrath: "Is Holly too far gone (mentally) to be prayed for?" God: "Yes. In fact, she's so far gone that she might pray, herself, without use of the Prayer-O-Matic." Anonymous: "On a scale of 1 - 10, 1 being absolutely not and 10 being couldn't imagine it any other way, how happy are you, God, and why? Oh, and whatever happened to the career of Emmanuel Lewis? That kid was the next Mickey Rooney!" God: "Oh, I would have to say my happiness is a perfect 10. Being a god is a pretty swell job, overall. Emmanuel Lewis would certainly have been the next Mickey Rooney.. if he would have just grown up."
God: "If you go to the store right now and buy randomly picked lottery tickets you will win ten million dollars. Of course, the winning ticket will be the twenty-seven millionth that you purchase, so it might not be wise to win the lottery today." Middleman: "Just one question, if u take two drugs, one that paralyses u and one that gives u short term amnesia, then have an operation will u feel pain? Well ok two questions, do u think this would be good way of testing a persons faith?" God: "If you take a drug that paralyses you and another one that gives you short term amnesia, it's too late for you anyway. They already sliced too much off in the last labotamy." katharina: "Do you have a special machine that sucks up random socks from my washer, leaving me with one cold foot? If so, does this amchine also work on car keys, remote controls, etc?" God: "Socks and things are sometimes sucked into heaven through a spiritual vortex, usually taking the form of a washing machine. This is for those people whose dead relatives don't like them. Coming through the bright lighted tunnel after death is a real bummer if there's nothing waiting for you on the other side."
God:
"I appreciate your thankfulness. Most prayers I receive are just
'gimmie gimmie gimmie'. Letsee, we'll eliminate all the freaks, then the
addicts.. now the theives and drama queens.. hmm.. looks like if you want
a roommate you're going to have to move out of California." God: "Of course he is, Robert; don't worry. There is a large portion of heaven set aside for dogs, and they are all very happy here. Of course, all things must have an opposite in order to exist, so all cats must go to Kitty-Hell. I haven't been there, but I've heard something about swimming pools, fire hoses, and giant cat-eating mice.
God: "Hmm, I don't know." Ian: "I'm an atheist (as weil as a pseudo-scotsman...gae figure)...If I dinnae believe ye exist, why am I askin' ye questions? An mair-o'er, if ye DID exist, 'ow would we ken yer a lad? I mean..did someyin' flip ye o'er when ye were born an 'ave a wee peek?? An if yer a lad, were ye circumcised? An if ye were, who thi bloody 'ell 'ad thi guts tae dae thi snippin'?!?" "An while I'm askin'...My friend's finger 'urts...Would ye mind 'ealin' tha' fir 'er..? Thanks mate..." God: "Just because we turned water into wine does not mean that you should drink wine as if it were water." The bad girl in Crystal Beach, TX: "Why is my husband so damned stupid?" God: "I wanted there to be 'someone for everyone' so that meant that I had to make some of you stupid enough to marry others of you."
God: "Any person or organization who claims irrefutable knowledge must have both their sanity and their arrogance closely monitored. In other words, be wary of all of them." Anonymous: "My husband thinks he's god. What are you going to do about it?" God: "Well, for now it's not really a problem, but once he's up here in heaven something will have to be done. When someone says, 'Hey God!' we can't have two people asking, 'What?'" Mushukyou: "Dear Lard, Please stop your non-existence. We all pray to you and wish for you to do things in our lives. Please fight against your non-existence and become real, so we don't look like fools anymore. Will you please do this, for us? Oh Imaginary One?" God: "Children are supposed to speak with their imaginary friends. It's completely natural. It is not, however, natural for adults to ask real people (who they think are imaginary) to stop being imaginary for their direct benefit. If you are truly concerned about looking like a fool, you might be better off to remember that a question like this cannot really have an answer. Were I truly imaginary, I would not be able to respond to your prayer. Since I am not imaginary, your point is moot, and no response is really warranted. It's Lord, by the way. With an 'O'. Don't make me smite you."
God: "I get many prayers like this. I'm not sure why everyone down there seems to think that 'happy' and 'right' balance each other out on opposite sides of some cosmic equation. Doing what makes you happy and doing what is right are not always one and the same. It may be more valuable for you to decide which one you would like to make a priority in your life, rather than trying to make them sound the same so as to avoid making a choice." Mr. Satan: "Quit screwing up you big phoney!" The Editor: "God asked me to tell you to please stop messing around with the Prayer-O-Matic, Lucifer. He's starting to lose his patience, and I don't want to be standing next to you when it has completely abandoned him." Solinum: "So, God, are you the Judeo-Christian God alone, or are you the Great Mystery of the Lakota, and Hinduism's Brahma? In other words: are you THE God with many names, or do you recognize the existence of other dieties? Also, what's your take on this whole polytheistic bent that some religions have? Are the thousands and thousands of gods simply attributes of your character embodied in multiple "bodies," or is it just a bunch of bunk? Oh, and what's your favorite color?" God: "Since the dawn of time, great philosophers have wondered if they would be entirely different people had their parents given them different names. My situation is unique in this respect as virtually every society that has ever existed on the earth has given me various different names. This has caused me to show different facets of my personality to different people, at different times, which is often misinterpreted as moodiness, and in extreme cases has been used to justify the belief that I am not male. Blue and green are my favorite colors; looking around you I would have assumed you could tell this."
God: "He was perfectly fine for so many years; why did you wait until he was all jacked up to find him?" Debilana: "Why are most of your followers idiots?" God: "When you ask a room full of people who would like to devote their lives to worshipping someone they've never met and who seems to have no desire to meet them it is a general rule that the idiots will tend to raise their hands more quickly than the others in the room. Of course, this does not mean you should not follow me. I am God, after all--these things don't really have to make any sense." Anonymous: "Since the physics of looking in a mirror makes everything appear backwards GOD, does this mean that every time you check your reflection you see a DOG staring back at you? Hmmm.....?" God: ".ssatramS"
God: "Do you mean the one with the waggily tail? To find the answer to why Christmas has been allowed to become so commercial, ask yourself how much money YOU spent on Christmas this year." Nervous Liberal: "God, are we doomed, or is there a chance that Al Gore will prevail?" God: "I am sorry my son. I cannot give you a pleasing answer to this question. It should be a consolation, however, that Pat Buchanan got so few votes." Wildfire: "Why are the ghosts in my house so restless lately and should I attempt to contact them somehow or just leave well enough alone, since all they do is make noise and move stuff around?" God: "Actually, they've spoken to me about your recent housekeeping problems. They were quite happy to share the house with you until you started living like such a pig. They are trying to tell you that it's time you moved out of their house."
God: "Jamie, my dearest child. Now that you have found me, you need not worry about not having any friends. You will always have a friend and neighbor you can turn to as long as Mister Rogers is still in reruns." Achmed Q'Alhazzared: "Hi "god" - my life sucks the big one and I blame you!! It has nothing to do with me. I'm brilliant and gorgeous and I know when enough is enough! And how to use exclamation marks!!!! Many of them. The "question" that you want is: where do I go to get a refund?" God: "Unfortunately refunds cannot be given after birth, but I have provided an eternal complaints department for your convenience. It's much easier to get there than it is to get to heaven--don't worry." d: "What came first, the chicken or the egg?" God: "Actually I created one of each simultaneously. So much for all those bets, eh? Plato was pissed." Anonymous: "Why does Microsoft Windows(tm) have "SHUT DOWN" in the "START" menu? that just doesn't make any sense." God: "I will forward your prayer to Mr. Gates, but it seems to me that you must 'start' shutting down before you can finish shutting down."
God: "Actually I inspired just enough people to vote for Al Gore to sway the vote in a way that would discourage Armageddon. Those idiots in Florida screwed it up though, so let it be on their heads. I will see what I can do about buying you a few more years, but make sure you get the most out of every moment." Millie: "My dearest, This is more of a concern, I've been trying to find a friend of mine that, pretty much dissapered and I would like to find him. Do you think he doesn't call anymore because he dislikes me? I did do all that he asked of me." God: "Just because he hasn't called doesn't mean he dislikes you, so please don't worry. He might have lost his job and can't afford things like food or a telephone. He may have some sort of muscular disease which does not allow him to use the telephone anymore and he has to go to the bathroom with the assistance of a trained chimpanzee. Or he might have gotten hit by a car and is lying in a ditch somewhere trying to hold onto that last thin thread of life. Doesn't that make you feel better?"
God: "Not if the entrance exam includes having your legs broken and making you find the determination to climb the stairs into the building while the professor barks motivating orders at you." Pedro: "Will I be rich soon?" God: "What am I? A magic eight ball?" Jessi: "Am I going to marry Joshua Andrew Hargreaves?" God: "I believe I said I was not a magic eight ball." Anonymous: "god, should i get a new job?" God: "The next person to ask a question like this is going to be able to jump up and down and then stand on their heads to see what the magic eight ball says, because I'm going to ram it up their.." [editor's note: Sorry anonymous, the Prayer-O-Matic ran out of paper as it was printing God's response. This was all I got.]
God: "Is this how it's always going to be with you, my only begotten? Last night at the dinner table the most you could contribute to the dinner conversation was, "pass the pillar of salt." Now you're talking to the Prayer-O-Matic and you're suddenly full of questions and demands. As long as the Earth's under my heaven, you'll abide by my rules, young man. And until you've shown your maturity, don't think I'm going to conjure up another plane of existence just so you can have some toys to play with. Now I want you to study your biblical threats until bedtime and think about what you've done." A little angel: "Well this prayer is just a question, all though I may not comprahend the full awnser. Is suicide murder, or it it just the selfishish thing u could ever do, or is it good wanting to get closer to you? Well thanx, for now..... I'll be back, As u know what my next question is could u think of the awnser, now. U know, what is the meaning of life?" God: "Those who commit suicide because their lives are difficult have my sympathies, but far greater sympathy do I have for those who are left to mourn them. Of, course this doesn't apply to those of you who will not be mourned. Like Pat Buchanan."
God: "You should not ask a question of me when an answer can be found simply enough on your own. Throw your cat off of the very top of the empire state building. If it comes home undamaged the next day, buy a lotto ticket." Phil: "Please let me gain the respect of my peers, children, my family, that girl at the donut shop, children, the elderly, children.... Can you please tell me why no one likes me? I would like one day to marry a nice Christian girl and sadomize her repeatedly...." God: "Unfortunately others have dibs on all the nice Christian girls. Once the girl from the donut shop presses stalking charges, however, I'll leave you a very nice god-fearing friend in cell block A. You can call him Roberta.. or Robert, if you want him to smack you around first. Who's your daddy?" Ready to Burn: "I'm a little confused on the spending habits of churches. Why do the bible beaters bulid huge churches that cost thousands of dollars. And why do the ministers drive home in Mercedes and go on vacation with the church donations instead of donating all this money to charity? I mean does it [make] us have a stronger faith if we are learning and praying in $100,000 church rather than sitting outside for free and praying?" God: "This is done by the ministers to teach the congregations important lessons about the evils of greed and capitalism. Sometimes, though, the ministers teach themselves a bit too well. In heaven the starving children of the world will stuff themselves silly with gloriously heaped plates of food and then poop on these hypocritical bible beaters."
God: "I never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it. Hmm, actually, come to think of it, I didn't even say that.. some 'poet' made that up. Hmm.. oh well. Life sucks and then you die. That one's all mine." Aeschina "Why is it that the wicca board on B-net always go back to food? Why are we such a comforting group?" God: "Food is a very important part of life. In fact, life itself is dependent on food and it is intricately woven into my divine plan. As an earth-loving people, it is natural that food would be sacred to you, at least on a subconscious level. Food is often used in religious ceremonies of vastly different peoples for just those reasons. Food can be a comfort, as well, to many people. Unless it's from Pizza Hut. Yes, that's some of the nastiest grease bathed stuff I've ever tasted. You'll be sick for days if you eat that stuff. In fact.. wait. What was I talking about? Oh, yes.. I was about to uhh.. Hmm? Aeschina you say. The Wiccan? Umm.. oh! The naked Wiccan orgy-party girl? No, food, you say? Ah, yes. I'll take a ham sand-witch. Err.. sand.. you know what I mean."
God: "It's normally when they first realize that the term 'familiar' doesn't just mean that people are used to them being around. Fuzzy tails and spinning eyes aside, all paths lead to the Summerland and we anxiously await both of your arrivals." God_is_in_the_tv: "What's up with Trinity Broadcast Network? Do you really endorse these people? And why all the hair and makeup? Is that so you can see them better from heaven?" God: "Thank you for allowing me to clear up a common misconception. The Trinity Broadcast Network's excessive use of hairspray, makeup, and the gigantic heaps of money they rake in are to be used as accelerants in the afterlife. I am not in the endorsement business, I am in the punishment business." Anonymous: What's with all the disease/starvation/hideous accidents/deformity/cruelty, etc.,etc.? Do you get some wierd pleasure out of it all? And do you really believe in yourself? And why are YOU allowed to split infinitives?" God: "Most of the things that you list I cannot take credit for, nor can I take credit for the majority of the weird pleasures you've witnessed. Splitting infinitives is not so horrible a thing as it once was, and the standing rule is: Use what sounds better to you. On a more concrete note that pertains only to my specific situation: To blatantly split infinitives is my right as God."
God: "Tell her that if she uses too much water on the floor she'll use up her water ration and have to drink cough syrup with dinner." Rabbi Dale: "Some of my friends who are goye ministers suggested I subscribe to a publication called the DOOR MAGAZINE. They have a chat closet that I frequently partake of. For the most part they are Southern Baptists that have converted to Christianity and seem to be suffering a type of withdrawal. "My question for you, O Anointed One, is are they going to be eternally damned (excuse the word) for making fun of Benny Hinn and Robert Tilton? and, am I going to join them for my participation. If you tell me, O Lord, what I want to hear I will buy one of your books (and maybe even watch Robert Schuller)." God: "Yes, they may be damned, along with Benny Hinn and Robert Tilton, but only because part of ol' Benny and Bob's punishment will include being eternally scoffed and mocked by those around them."
God: "Please do not worry yourself, my child, as regardless of color and style, they match in tastelessness."
God: "Some would not think that an 'apostate' is a bad thing, especially if one is talking about former Mormons. However, that is beside the point. What I'm really looking for from you people is blind faith. If I say jump, I want you to ask off of what cliff. If this faith is aided by 50 wives, so be it. If this faith is aided by making yourself feel like a better human being by offering creative forms of Jello to those who have recently had a great loss, then so be it. If the absence of coffee, tea, beards (in certain random cases unless you're a prophet), alcohol, fun, work on Sundays, and open-mindedness helps make you more loyal to me, I say that's just swell. And I say that in-the-name-of-my-son amen. Oh, and Shalom." Chip: "Can I have a guitar for Christmas?" God: "Letsee.. Chip, Chip.. nice, nice, naughty, nice.. ah, here it is. No. Try Santa Claus next time, you idiot. My son Friedrich von Schiller was right on the money when he said that against stupidity the very gods themselves contend in vain."
God: "I'm sorry, my lamb, that church is so boring. Mary greatly appreciates your so faithfully wasting so much time. I guarantee that you'll have a great deal more fun and excitement when you get to heaven and sit among the clouds, creating worlds and people and debauchery." The Most Electrifying God in Religious Entertainment: "The lambs be of the sloaths, the holy hand grenade beeth hereth. Dost thou smelleth what you lord is cooking. Layething the Prayeth down on the siteth shall be the thingeth which i next doeth. Oh lord, i have tried for 16 years to get a girlfriend, i tried calling random phone numbers and preaching in god's name, Running up and down time square with one sock on, Jumping off of a 118 story building and dying, crying, lying, smiling at old ladies, WHY CAN'T I GET A GIRL LORD!!!!?" God: "Dost thou smelleth what thy nose doth sniff?" Brass City D: "Hey there God, first let me start out by telling You what a big fan I am! I love Your work. Salma Hayek- superb! NY Yankees- You da man(woman)! Bush or Gore- Needs a little work! Ok, now to the nitty-gritty. I have just one question to ask of you: What is the purpose of Canada? I mean it's nice and everything, but it serves no purpose and pisses me off. Thank You for Your time, O Great One. Oh yeah, I almost forgot... can I have an autograph?"
God: "It took the better part of a week just to make your solar system--just how much free time do you think I have, anyway?" Cleveland Taxi Driver: "When is the Taxicab Business In Cleveland, OHio Going to improve" God: "In a few short years, fire will rain from the heavens and the ground will shake with tremendous power, causing several of the Earth's land masses to shift. After the east coast of what you now call the Unites States of America is reclaimed by the ocean, Cleveland will be renamed New New York, New York and the taxi cab business will boom."
God: "You need not question why you exist--merely be happy that you do. As for your parents, please understand that they could not have foreseen the fruits of their labors." Anonymous: "Can I be the AntiChrist?" God: "The fact that you asked for my permission negates the possibility of you ever becoming the Anti-Christ." Rogozhin: "God, I heard that as designated providing lord of all good god-fearing genteel Katholik peoples that a group of lawyers were organizing a class action suit aganst you charging that you have failed to provide, aganst what was specifically stated in your contract. What's the status of that legal matter? Also, I hear you are considering recinding the "blessed" status of the world's meek, and according to some inside sources (Atlas, Jupiter, Unkosibomvu and all your other drinking buddies) you have been overheard exclaiming: "Wait a minute, I'm God damnit, screw the meek." Any comments?" God: "The current copy of the Bible that you possess has been translated and edited numerous times. A more correct translation might be, 'Blessed are the meek when I [God] am sober.'" As for that legal question, I'm afraid my lawyers have suggested I not speak on the matter until it has been resolved--but just between you and me: Screw 'em."
God: "If everyone looked like supermodels then you wouldn't appreciate them as such--and even if I did answer your prayer and do as you wish, your next prayer would be 'Please make me the last man on earth--they keep telling me that's what I need to be.'" Anonymous: "God, what is the one true religion? And why do all religious zealots not have a sense of humor?" God: "If you want to know if someone has found the 'one true religion' just ask them if they believe it to be true, or if they know it to be true. If they say they believe it, tell them to keep looking until they know. If they say they know it.. they're fools with overly large estimations of their own narrow view of reality. If they can't fathom the logic behind that then you should employ your own sense of humor and have a good laugh for them--well, okay, AT them." Kimberly: "I appreciate all of your help Oh divine one and can we do something about my boyfriend's receeding hairline, small penis, and all too obvious 'plumber's crack'?" God: "Would that truly be fair after I ignored his request to have your stomach pumped, breasts enlarged, and voice box removed?"
God: "Hmm letsee.. this question could actually be answered by anyone, if they simply applied a bit of logic. Even someone with a less than average intelligence could narrow it down to, at the very least: Bambi, LuLu, Lacey, Candy, Velvet, Kitty, and Destiny. In short, if you would like to test me, please make it a test worthy of me." Meatleg: "i was studying the scripture the other day and it occured to me that more people should be left handed. After all, it appears that You are left handed and we are supposed to be created in Your image. Of course i deduced, with the immaculate cognitive ability that You have bestowed me with, Your left handed abilty by reading that Jesus sits on Your right hand. If You were right handed, how could you let You son sit on it? So, God, my question is, since You are left handed, why are more people right handed as opposed to left handed?" God: "My son, your mind would become much clearer and your life greatly improved were you to spend less time sitting on your own hand, whether it be your left or right."
God: "All humans are self involved--I made it an unavoidable part of your nature--so there's no reason for concern. However, you should be aware that most women who search solely for the biggest penis actually end up finding the biggest asshole." Spanky: "God, why do we have to murder dolphins to get to the tuna? Huh? And also, what's up with The WB Network? I mean, how far are you gonna let us go? Anyways, love ya, and talk to you later." God: "Why do you not grieve for the tuna? Change the channel." Anonymous, "God, my b-f and I are having a baby. We plan to get married afterwards. Would you still consider him or her a bastard?" God: "Well, hmm.. I actually don't remember Adam and Eve having a wedding--so technically you've all been born out of wedlock. Bastards."
Clef: "Hi god. I was present when you explained the whole thing to us angels (of course you know that) but I was just thinking that it might be a good time to let these few faithful humans in on it too. So, if you would just one more time." God: "I'll assume that you're talking about The Plan--the ultimate reason that you are on the Earth at this time. It's pretty complicated, but one of the many reasons is that I wanted to see if I could make a group of people so self involved that they could not fathom the idea that there was not an ultimate purpose behind their existance." Anonymous: "Why is the world round?" God: "The Earth is flat, actually. We had a problem with some of the less intelligent inhabitants falling off the edge, though, so we got a big roundish rock for them to fall onto instead of just letting them float off into space. They don't even know they're not on the real Earth."
God: "The fact that I can be anywhere does not necessarily mean that I AM everywhere. Oh, if you're the one we've been getting complaints about who's been leaving the bathroom stall door open while going about your business, you're going straight to hell. Pervert." Megan "Fraser" McConnell: "God, will I ever be successful in the career I choose? Also, is it a sin to say things such as "God damn it!" or "Jesus Christ" by accident? Do I look fat to you? Will I ever meet a handsome wonderful guy who will love me as much or more as I, him? Will I ever learn to surf? Thanks, God. Love ya." God: "You will meet many handsome and wonderful men in your lifetime. Many of these men will date you.. at least until they realize that the endless questions after questions after questions weren't just because of first date jitters." Anonymous: "Will I make it into this job with radio, and will go anywhere with it, or do I need to stay with my current job?" God: "If you stay with your current job you'll be unhappy for the rest of your life, always thinking that the next goal achieved will give you the happily-ever-after you've been searching for. Of course, it will be exactly the same way if you take the radio job. Being happy is evolutionary stagnation.. searching endlessly for unattainable happiness that doesn't really seem unattainable is evolutionarily advantageous. Isn't it a great little system I've got cooked up here?"
God: "People get depressed around the holidays. Sometimes it's because everyone around them seems to be happy while they, themselves, are tumbling into an abyss of depression for various reasons [editor's note: See last question]. Sometimes it's the spoiled children invariably seen at capitalist malls during Christmas time, tugging their parents coats screaming "I want Santa to bring me that! And this! And Those! Mommymommymommymommy!" "Of course, I personally think it's Santa Claus himself, who tortures children by unethically and immorally saying that if they're bad he may give them coal instead of presents. It takes away from people worshipping me on Christmas--which could mean they may go to hell instead of heaven." Debra: "Recently you transferred Father Kerch to some remote location in Nebraska that has no local (toll-free) AOL access number. Could you please provide one so that he can stay on AOL?" God: "Actually I put him way out there in the boonies because having a priest who used AOL was bad for my image. He may come back once he learns to use a real ISP."
God: "It reminds them of the good old days when they could take bribes to get people free passes to Heaven, when in fact those free passes were supposed to go to those who confess all of their sins moments before sitting in electric chairs." Anonymous: "Why are gay men so stupid? God, I know this is a generalization, but why are the majority of gay men SO STUPID? And you can't tell me they aren't because I have been on enough dates with a large enough sampling to know...the majority are idiots that are only concerned with sex, drugs, clothes, their skin, and getting more sex. Did you make any more than 3 intelligent ones? And if so, where are they? I hope that the prayer-o-matic is designed to handle multi-part questions." God: "Unfortunately my answer may not help you very much. The gay men you aren't looking for are easy to find--those who flaunt their sexual preference normally make sex a high priority in their lives. When you meet the type of gay guy you seem to be looking for--someone interested in a loving relationship rather than a roll in the hay--you will probably sigh and say "All the good men are straight." because these men will not be frolicking about parading their sexual preference for the world to see. As for the exact count, 3 may be closer to the actual number than I'd care to admit--but don't give up."
God: "You, sir, are the very reason that the world will ever know how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop." Satan: "Throughout this Joyious year i have been a very well behaved Demon. I ask in return for a bike (you know the little shiny red one with the sqeeky horn? yeh yeh thats it!)" God: "Satan, you little devil. Did you think I would forget you this Christmas? The angels are polishing your bike as we speak. Once they realized that every time they squeaked the horn another sinners blood would boil, however, they stopped playing with it. I hope you enjoy the bike more than they do as it was built exactly to your specifications." Nicki: "God, i didnt mean to get pregnant so soon it just happened, im soooo sorry will u forgive me???" God: "I will always forgive you for any of your sins, Nicki, and I'll see what I can do about sending you down a son or daughter who are as forgiving. No promises, though."
God: "What, making them be half the population wasn't help enough?" Fianna: "Hey, God, I was reading some obscure religious books, and apparently there are something like a thousand ways to spell your name. Can you not spell, or are you just trying to annoy us mortals? And your head angel/voice of God type is named Metatron -- what's up with that? It sounds like a Transformer. On top of that, he's thousands of feet tall, is made of flame, has 360 wings and 36000 eyes. What were you thinking? God: "There are many ways to spell my name because different people feel better writing it different ways. When you get right down to it, it's all God--err good.. no, God. Matatron is actually not just my head angel. He also leads a large army of Autobots against the evil Decepticons.. and if you were staring down Megatron, you'd want to be thousands of feet tall, made of flame, and have 360 wings and 36,000 eyes too."
God: "There weren't any female smurfs--at least until Gargamel made Smurfette to lure all of the other Smurfs to him for one of his various, fiendish purposes. Of course, Papa Smurf was too smart to fall for such a blatant trick and turned the tables on Gargamel by accepting Smurfette into the Smurf Village and letting her true Smurfiness show through." "As for why they've dissapeared from television.. if you don't get Cartoon Network in your area, I'd definately smurf a brick through your cable providers window." Molly: "God, I was curious as to why we all need to work. If you don't have an education, you can't get a good job, at least not one you enjoy. Then you work hard to get an education and still end up spending a good percentage of your life doing something you hate and can't wait to be done with. I just feel like this is such a waste of the beautiful gift of life. However, since very few people, myself included, are independently wealthy, we have no choice. Just something I think about. Gotta get back to work. Save a smile for me." God: "Hapiness is not dependant on wealth. You can be just as happy living under a bridge, burning newspaper collected in a stolen shopping cart to warm yourself as you can living in a mansion being fanned by gorgeous and scantily clothed male servants with giant tropical leaves. Okay, maybe it's not quite as easy--vote socialist, I guess."
God: "My son, to secure a place in heaven you need only refrain from asking stupid questions. Given this information I'll let you rethink your position before I accept the second of your two questions." Bob the Infidel: "Dear God, How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? P.S. Thanks for sex. That one was a true stroke of genius." God: "A woodchuck would chuck all he could chuck--if a woodchuck could chuck wood, that is. Ignoring the pun in your P.S. for a moment, you're welcome, and I agree--sex was summum bonum. Stop snickering. Haven't you ever heard Latin before? Well, of all the immature.."
Editor: "God didn't answer this question when I fed it to the Prayer-O-Matic -- most likely because He doesn't use any type of computer. I, personally, am quite partial to IBM's -- though Macs do have their uses (paperweight comes to mind immediately). Bri: "Why have you left me? Why did you return? Will I get a million plus from this silly lawsuit? Thanks. You make me feel special." God: "Left? Returned? Hrm, I've always been here.. well.. except when I vacation in Cygnus, of course. Will you make a million plus? I don't want to turn into a fortune teller, here, but I will say that the court systems in your time period often favor the stupid over the big corporation--especially when millions of dollars are on the line. I'm glad you feel special.. I can certainly see why you might." Anonymous: "Please let me get my career going soon." Editor: "When I fed this into the Prayer-O-Matic, it bucked wildly, sputtering electronic sounds and angelic singing.. and then, instead of a response, it spit out a bell, a red bucket, and a Santa Claus hat and beard. I think this is God's way of saying that what you wrote was not in the form of a question so it couldn't be answered. Best of luck on your career, though."
God: "It's really a matter of personal taste. Some people like a tunnel with a beautiful garden at the end filled with loving relatives welcoming them with open arms and hearts -- and others like to have their flesh eternally burning but never completely burned." Anonymous: "Who killed Jon-Benet Ramsey?" God: "There are those who would blame me.. but I don't think a lie detector test will help confirm or deny their claims." Anonymous: "Is Elvis still alive?" God: "Yes, but this 'saw him in the mall' stuff is nonsense. Trust me, he's booked solid up here for the next millenia." Anonymous: "Is the whole JFK assasination thing a big conspiracy, set up by the government?" God: "John and I were laughing about that just the other day, actually. He was telling this joke about a first gunman, a second gunman, and a third gunman walking into a bar.. or was it a protestant instead of a third gunman? Hrm, wait.. maybe it was a nightclub. Oh well, ask him to tell it to you when you get up here."
God: "It depends on who you mean by 'we' -- I guess." Anonymous: "Which religion is your favorite?" God: "I like the ones with big loud preachers putting their hands on people's foreheads so I can make them faint and cure their illnesses and stuff. I sure get a kick out of that. I said kick, right? Not kick-back? Because if I said kick-back I didn't mean to." Anonymous: "What's your view on Bill Clinton?" God: "I can't say that I have that specific perspective. If you get a chance, ask Monica Lewinsky what she can see instead. [Editor's note: I didn't really have the guts to ask God if he misunderstood your question or if this was just a joke. I guess we'll never know.]" Anonymous: "Is Brittany Spears an alien?" God: "For My sake, would you look at her? Does it really matter?" Nicole: "Why do girls mature faster then guys?" God: "I could go into the physiological specifications and my intricate reasons for creating things the way that I created them, but to place it in more simpler terms--Female children must mature faster than male children because babies can't use the stove--and a dirty floor will wait for no man."
God: "This sounds like a case of absense making the heart grow fonder. The problem with absense making the heart grow fonder is that lack of absense often has the opposite affect. I'm not saying it's doomed to failure--but if it took the girl a year for her heart to grow fonder after dating her just imagine how long it will take if you should get together again, hit it off, and get hitched.. she might up-and-dissapear for a decade or two." Slice0027: "Do Elvis, George Burns and Jerry Garcia ever get together up there and have a jam session? Are jam sessions allowed in Heaven? Do you call them jam sessions? If so, what do they play?" God: "Jam sessions are allowed in heaven, but those three don't do it together. They did, but there was a messy scene involving a missing peanut butter and bannana sandwich. Out of respect for those involved I will not go into the details."
God: "There are places, both in heaven and on the earth, for people who try to talk to people they don't believe in. On earth they're called mental hospitals." "I'm certain you'll agree that respect for religions is not so important a thing as respect for the people who believe in those religions. As for people who "find religion" on their death beds, I think it's probably one of those very few things that work better when unplanned, but I'll check with God on that one later." Randy: "can i come up there to live now??im confused and sick of being abused by that awful thing you called woman,,,,what where you thinkin???,,,you really screwed that one up,,,," God: "If you think what I did with women was bad, you should see some of the screw-ups I've made with men. Err, well, I mean other than you--though, come to think of it, some close personal inspection might do you some good. Oh, you asked if you could come up here to live now? No."
God: "For the most part, men have nipples because you all originate from the same kinds of tissues. Males and females, though very different, have a great deal in common. Males just don't need their breast tissue to be a functioning part of their anatomy. Even though the sex of an embryo is determined when the sperm meets the egg, the genital anatomy of males and females cannot be visually distinguished without.." "Okay, okay. It's really that I just like nipples. They're cute. Do you have a problem with that?" MysticMoon: "Isn't Christianity based, at least partly, from Paganism?" God: "When a tree falls in a forest but there's no one around, does it make a sound?" [editor's note: When I suggested to God that, perhaps, not everyone knows whether this is true or not (since it's been a long-running debate among philosophers) he just snorted. I didn't press the issue.] [If it helps, I think that only the infinite self-conceit of humanity could make us wonder if something ceases to exist just because we're not there to witness it. I think God's probably just messing with your head, though, so don't devote your life to trying to clap with one hand or anything drastic like that. As for Paganism, I think it gave us Trick-Or-Treating, or something, which is probably a more flattering thing to associate with it.]
God: "I like giving good things to people and watching them use them so much that something bad happens. As for stamp collecting, you forgot about their wedgie counterpart. Seriously, though, the flaw is more localized than the nature of the universe.. I guess maybe I should have given y'all another couple of percentages of access to your brains. Oh well.. then you'd probably all become agnostics, and we can't have that now, can we?" lnrrigby4: "I just want to know if there really IS a God...you know all this talk you hear really gets around that there actually may not be one...please let me know as soon as your are able." God: "If there isn't a God then I don't know whose underwear I'm wearing." [editor's note: When God starts thinking he's funny like this, he's usually one step from sending a lightning bolt down to fry some poor sap--questions like this in the future are not suggested.]
God: "If you've ever seen a copy of The Shining on a waiting room table next to a copy of Grolier's Encyclopedia, Vol. 7, then you'll know which one has a more broken in spine. I don't want my name etched in the endlessly shifting dust of boredom; I'm a neon lights kinda God." death_to_pika: "what the (sorry about the phrase)hell were you thinking about when you made pokemon I mean they are kinda cute but I mean come on pokemon underware its gone to far -- p.s. please send all the pokemon to hell" God: "You just gotta catch 'em all -- and kill them yourselves. Seriously, though, it's your own fault they're so popular. Kids are only temporary fanatics, unlike adults. The things they like will change quickly unless they realize that liking a thing annoys grown-ups.. then it's a whole new burst of motivation."
God: "Six days. Well, six of my days--which I'm not even going to try to explain here. I'll come clean though--the day of rest wasn't the seventh day, it was the first.. I'm a bit of a procrastinator. Okay, okay.. the "day" of rest was really a couple of my months. Hey, it aint easy being God. You think you can just wake up one morning and say let there be light? Where's my motivation?" Jupitreas: "I just have one question. It is really important for me. You see I asked this girl out for Friday Night and I am wondering if she'll give it to me if I ask her. Praise the lord!" God: "Yes, yes, praise me--oh, you're too kind. If you mean will she give you her heart, only time will tell. If you open your soul and lay bare your feelings.. oh, you meant sex. I wouldn't count on that.. and in light of this revelation of intent I wouldn't count on any of the other stuff I was talking about either. While you're lying in bed alone "Friday Night", wondering what went wrong, try counting sheep--it may be as close to a meaningful sexual relationship as you'll ever come."
God: "To give homophobes something to be afraid of other than their own lack of intelligent thought, of course. What did you think?" Wonderwoman: "I have read some of your responses, and I am relieved to find that you are female. I want to know how this male image thing can be rectified, so that you can be finally taken seriously." God: "Actually, yours is a common misconception. I am, in fact, male--as is indicated by my incredibly huge [editor's note: insert long dramatic pause] ego. You thought I was going to say rational thought processes or driving skill, didn't you? Tricked ya. Hey, that reminds me. Where's my breakfast anyway?" A piece of you: "If you are ALL, doesn't that mean that you are good and evil, love and hate, right and wrong, God and Satan?" God: "Actually, that's a misquote. What I actually said, in respect to that, had to do with being "all that" a bag of chips. I'm the bombdiggidy, dog. Don't be so old skool. Dig it?"
Editor: [I think this one is directed at me, so I'll answer it without any help from God or the Prayer-O-Matic] I apologize if anything on this page has offended you. I spend a great deal of time updating this page and kicking the Prayer-O-Matic when it breaks down and the purpose is only to save people the trouble and frustration of other methods of prayer. Blasphemy was never the real intent.] [I seriously doubt that you use reverent tones when speaking about everything I find precious but I will not employee your selfishness in asking you to do so. As for the "disgusting mockery of that which is perfection", God asked me when you stopped accepting credit for being that? Just kidding, he didn't really.]
God: "I take the time to get one false god to talk all of his followers into killing themselves and another one pops up once they're all gone. God's work is never done." Andy Downs: "Do you make housecalls?" God: "If I took the time to make a housecall, you wouldn't have the time to question the wisdom in asking that question before the answer came clearly and swiftly." Anonymous: "Well God she has finally shown up in my life but one error she's with another guy. How do I get rid of him and out shine him and any other male? since you already know who it is just give her a nudge and good hint or something thanks." God: "The key to outshining the other guy is to love the girl more than he does. Until she comes around on her own, though, you might want to keep your distance or you might end up with a shiner of your own." Dragon fire: "A long time ago I found out that my interest and skills was to be in either the fire department or the police department and in that order but to the over whelming wannabes to whom they find out that they actually didn't have what it takes they quit. Why? God send up the people who do it all the time the volunteers and the reserves who love to do it day in and day out." God: "Those who volunteer their time and safety to help others are the beneficiary of a great many prayers and will have a place in Heaven with really great parking. If you're asking why people quit being firemen, I think it might have to do with mastering the fireman's pole.. either that or a fear of getting burned up."
God: "Seek and ye shall find.. or at least settle. I'd suggest the former, but do what you gotta do." Todd: "Can you tell me my future?" God: "Yes.. I can see that you will find the answer to a question you've been asking but still feel like you should have gotten a t-shirt or something afterward." Anonymous: "Is Bill Gates a Saint, sent to Earth to bring harmony unto the computer world, so we might have compatability among all, and so that even the meek might inherit the Internet; or is Bill Gates a Demon, sent to Earth to cause frustration, loss of important documents, who has the ultimate goal of ruling Earth? Just curious." God: "He's actually a simple mortal who was robbed from his mother's basement by the evils of capitalism." Anonymous: "Can you give me the key to the woman heart?" God: "Half the fun is finding it yourself."
God: "If they sell ten hot dogs and eight buns, you're left over with two hot dogs, so you buy eight more huns. You will then have leftover buns and have to buy hot dogs, etc. They count on you getting so wrapped up in the madness that you wont just throw the last couple away. If they sold ten in each, then you'd buy ten of each and then realize how disgusting the things really areb (Do you know what they're made of?) and then stop eating them." Vampire Illona: "Would it be like seriously BAD for you if you dated a vampire? I mean, I know I'd probably go up in smoke the minute you touched me, but I've seriously got the HOTS for you and I think it would be worth a try...that is, if you're okay with the idea and it wouldn't be regarded as fundamentally unacceptable for God to date a vampire. Intellectual guys really make my blood rush....If the answer is no, I'll understand. I'm your biggest fan God....What would our kids be like I wonder..." God: "I've never really liked blind dates, so I'd probably have to draw the line at dates who can't see themselves in the mirror. Maybe I'll call you sometime, but don't wait by the phone--there's so little time and so much blood to drink--or whatever."
God: [editor's note: this question refers to a question from last month] "If you familiarize yourselves the prophecies of Douglas Adams, everything will become clear to you in time." Reilly, Megan, and Rachel: "How do angels get their wings?And, are any angels gay? or better yet lesbian?" God: "Every time a bell rings an angel has a same-sex relationship. Angels don't actually have wings very often--but when they want to they can. Wait. Reverse that. Sorry." Robert Enderson: "I hate to bother you again, God, but my grandmother also died. Is she in Heaven too?" God: "You're not bothering me, and yes, your grandmother is also with us in Heaven. You should know, however, that the sick and elderly are given their own section up here, and the other occupants of Heaven like to throw stones at them sometimes. Your grandmother is doing fine, though, don't worry. After the first couple of stones hit her she usually just lays on the ground sobbing--so most people don't keep throwing the stones. The really unlucky ones are those who keep getting up and asking stupid questions like why people are throwing stones at them--they really get the crap knocked out of them. [editors note: God chuckles here for several minutes.]"
God: "I know what you mean, and I'm sorry about that one. I wanted to give it wings and one giant horn, personally, but many of my peers were against it and said it should stay the way it was. Maybe I'll make a new model and send it on down one of these days." Donald Johnson: "Did Adam ever ask for his rib back?" God: "That's a good question. Actually, yes he did, on numerous occasions. I'm afraid I can't answer any more 'Adam's Rib' questions because I'd be swamped with the 'Can I have MY rib back too?' questions if I let all men whine about it like I let Adam." Laurie Portier: "What is the meaning of life?" God: "42." James Timison: "Is the bible true?" God: "Most of it. Of course, through all of the translations a lot of it has been changed/deleted/added to. For example, almost 3/4 of my "whim-killings" have been taken out. I am still kind of angry about that. I already damnedthe people who did it, of course, but I'm still looking to take out my anger on someone. Probably the next person who asks this question. Even without all of my senseless mass murder included, it's still worth some laughs, so I'd read it anyway. The section about who begat who each other was much more entertaining before they edited it as well, so you might want to skip Genesis altogether--it originally shipped with center-folds.
God: "Well, actually no. A friend of mine, Satan, lets them stay with him. I know what you're thinking, but Satan really is a great guy. He's damned adorable--or damned and adorable--depending on how you look at it. Really, though, the "fire and brimstone" thing is nonsense--I haven't actually been there, but Satan isn't the kind of guy to be mean to people, y'know? Oh, speak of the devil--he's here now, so I'll have to cut this answer short. I wonder if he needs matches again or a cup of lighter fluid. He must have a lot of barbeques down there (I'm always smelling burning flesh, which seems popular at Earth barbeques). Just goes to show you what a nice place it must be. Penny Lane: "God, do you live beyond the Great Barrier?" God: "No. That's my eccentric brother Jim Bob." Bootsie MacArthur: "How do you like to be celebrated? Do Baptists get on your nerves? Or would you like the Catholics to speak up and stick with one language during a service?" God: "That's actually three questions, but I have some extra time right now so I'll still answer them. Just be careful not to let this happen again. I don't really like to be celebrated all that much, contrary to popular belief. I kind of like it when people are really emotional and say things like "God you're ugly!" or "God damn it." It keeps me alive in peoples' minds and hearts.. and any press is good press, right?" "Baptists don't bother me at all.. cleanliness is truly next to godliness. I don't see how the Catholics you mentioned can possibly think that a simple sprinkling of water is good enough.. no, you got to get right in there and scrub the dirt away to get closer to godliness. Baptism could do without all of the pomp and circumstance, though.. a simple shower might work as well." "I would definitely like to see the Catholics begin to have a more interesting service. Speaking in tongues is very interesting, for instance. I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person just sitting back and wondering what in my name they're talking about with all that gibberish.. but it's still fun to watch."
God: "My son, of course. We do enjoy Fiddler on the Roof, however. On a deeper note, don't go for all that Trinity nonsense; We're close, but not that close." Jehosefatty: "As a vegetarian Catholic I'm a bit confused about this "transmogrofocation" business. During communion can I eat your flesh without compromising my veggie ideals?" God: "First let me say that vegetarianism is something I frown on. I didn't create all of those animals, not to mention McDonalds franchises, so that you could sit around eating like a rabbit all day. That being said, I'd also like you to reconsider eating my son's flesh on a weekly basis. It's really quite disgusting. Try a hamburger or some prime rib--you wont go back to my son's flesh, no matter how heavenly it may be. I guarantee it." Anonymous: "If I lose my leg in an accident, will it be waiting for me in heaven when I die later on in life?" God: "Yes, of course. We keep all of that information on file, and your lost limb can be resurrected and attached if you wish. We used to pre-fabricate the limbs and keep them in personal safety boxes until their hosts' arrival, but after the whole Bobbit affair we had some trouble keeping some of the angels out of the boxes. It was a long running joke for angels to substitute another angel's harp pic with the.. detachment.. which was altogether a very distasteful (though funny) prank. Before you pass judgement on them, please consider how boring eternity must be."
God: "I've made billions of people to populate the earth, so accidents like yourself are not uncommon. When I can fit it into my schedule I'll create a devastating planetary fire or flood and start over from scratch again, don't worry. Until then, please visit a qualified psychologist." Goldberger: "Did you make aliens or where they here before you got here?" God: "If you mean the large greyish-green ones with tiny nostrils and large inky black eyes, then I don't know anything about them. On a side note, however, it should be noted publicly that I don't appreciate anyone taking credit for my crop-art." C.C.: [editor's note: original was in all caps, but God really doesn't like that, so I fixed it before feeding it into the Prayer-O-Matic] "Dear God--please answer my prayers. I need my husband to quit this foolishness and to become a family again.. oh yeah, and we need lots of money! Thank you, amen!" God: "There are several inescapable truths that, once seen, can never be erased from the human mind. One of these most important truths is that anything wrapped up in something from Victoria's Secret is infinitely more interesting than anything wrapped up inside a computer. If that doesn't work, try the old newspaper and slippers routine. There's a reason why they're man's best friend, y'know: it works. As for money.. what year is it there now? 1970, 1980? Invest in Microsoft."
God: "There's a reason that I didn't send down the Dear-Abby-O-Matic machine on a beam of heavenly light. She does quite well with her newspaper column alone. In case you don't get a newspaper, however, I believe she would say something like "you have gotten a glimpse of the true man beneath the facade.. leave him.. there are plenty of decent.." Oh wait.. you said lawyers, didn't you? Well, forget all that, then--the best you can hope for with a lawyer is that he doesn't ACT like a jerk twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Just try not to tell any "scientific experiment subject" jokes around him and you'll be okay." Eric Cartman: "If you have holes in your underwear, does that mean you are religious?" God: "Holy underwear? I suppose, technically, if you're a Mormon it does."
God: "Yoko Ono hired the Monkees who brainwashed him whose name we must never mention so that he would murder John Lennon. This was done, of course, because Yoko wanted to make lots of money selling dolls featuring the artwork of John Lennon on their tacky little dresses. The Monkees are in hell not because of their participation in Yoko's scheme, but because of their ungodly television series." Satan: "What is it like to have immaculate sex with a virgin?" God: "You mean the quicky? It was okay.. but Joseph is still pretty annoyed with the whole thing. He didn't get the stardom he deserved since Jerry Springer was not born for a great many years after the event. Off the record: Mary never complained." Kevin Knowles: "God, the British National Anthem: will you save the Queen?" God: "Send her victorious; Happy and glorious; Long to reign over us.. who writes this stuff anyway? If you're worried about the queen based on this song, I'd suggest a brief letter to Doctor Seuss--I don't really go for this sort of thing myself." "On a more serious note, I don't feel that anyone should be honored, worshipped, or blindly followed based solely on a name or a title in spite of your knowledge or lack thereof of their character. [Editor's note: God pauses for several long seconds] Of course, I'm talking about the queen--and people like that--the statement doesn't apply to me. I'm God."
God: "If they did, who would sweep heaven?" David Muehlhausen: "Tell me god, why did you allow your only son to die on the cross? It seems to me that you did not have a very good plan, as I am sure that with your infinite wisdom, you could have found another way to "save us". Or is it that you "enjoy" killing and smiting?" God: "I don't know where this cumpulsive "planning" behavior came from, but you definately didn't get it from my side of the god-head. Planning things in advance seems so.. dull. Anyway.. about the killing and smiting thing.. let the first person who hasn't pulled off the legs or wings of an insect just to see it writhe in confusion throw the first stone. Alright, who threw that?" Stopher: "Will I ever find a woman that meets high standards or was the rib not enough?" God: "Often the answer is less important than the proper question. Perhaps you should be asking if you will ever find a woman with low enough standards."
God: "Well.. the tomb he was burried in was quite small, and he has a touch of claustrophobia. Okay, okay.. not really.. but he isn't very fond of the dark. What did you want me to do, spank him?" Anonymous: "Dear God, Why do Adam and Eve have belly buttons? They didn't have cords to cut when you created them...did they?" God: "I like belly buttons. Functionality is more of a side affect than a real intention." Vicki Simmons: "Why didn't you create teeth so they would grow back like fingernails? I could save a fortune on what I've spent on caps!" God: "Dentists can pray too." Anonymous: "Is the devil in my computer?" God: "Are you running a registered copy of Windows?"
God: "Well, why not?" Christine: "I don't understand why we can speak to you so freely on this machine but you never talk to us in person. why can't I see a burning bush telling me where to go and what to major in?. . .I think it kinda sucks that the boring old testament people got to see cool stuff like that. . ..show ME something!. . ." God: "You set a bush on fire and they want you to turn water in to wine. You turn water into wine and they want you to let someone WALK on the water. Go see a movie, they get flashier affects every time. You're lucky we're not speaking in person. Show ME something indeed. I'd show ya something." Stopher: "Why are there, Gangs, Drugs, Abuse, Hate, Murder, Liars, Cheaters, Fighting, Wars, Poverty, Crime, People Starving, Disrespect, Disloyalty, Dishonest, Deceiving, Egotistical, Materialistic, Sadness, Anger, Cancer, Aids, Rudeness, Inconsiderate, Insulting, Depression, Immoral, Pain, Suffering, Arguing, High School Shootings, Middle School Shootings, Elementary School Shootings, Church Shootings, Agony, Defeat, Mean, Selfish, Prejudice, Racist, Thieves, Rapists, Molesters, [see following 3 pages]?" God: "Well, in the Earth's original blueprint there weren't any of those things. Later on I added mankind."
"P.S. Is Kurt Cobain really dead? C'mon... you can tell me. It's just between you and I." God: "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's house, thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his ass [editors note: God snickers here for no apparent reason], nor any thing that is thy neighbour's. Nor his chicken, nor his chalupas, nor whatever. "P.S. Than a doorknob." Anonymous: "Will i get lucky tonight?" God: "If luck is not with one of my other children." WeirdWebby: "If you've indeed gone cyber with the Prayer-O-Matic, and it crashes, does that qualify as Armageddon?" God: "Technically. Although I was previously quoted in the Bible as saying 'For many will come in my name, saying, "I am the Christ," and will mislead many.' and nothing even remotely like that has ever happened. Right?"
God: "It will be necessary for you to pack everything you wish to take with you into one bag, and grip it very tightly at the moment of death. This doesn't always work, however, so to play things safe you may want to make sure everyone who wants your stuff dies before you do. Don't look so shocked.. if they didn't read the whole thing about "covetting" then that's their problem." Anonymous: "God, if you really hate gays so much, why did you make so many of them?" God: "Let me first say that I never said I dislike gays. As for why I made so many of them, the argument over Darwin's theory of evolution was getting stale, so I wanted to give those trying to disprove it some more ammunition. Just wait until I give flamingos wheels, eh? Then the battle will really heat up."
God: "[editor's note: this didn't really sound like God.. it sounded like a pre-recorded angelic message] To prevent Heaven from crowding too quickly it is of the utmost importance that you give the elderly something slightly more interesting to do than dying. Therefore, the tradition of playing bingo must stop. Your assistance in this matter is greatly appreciated." Maggie: "Why am I short? I am 18 1/2 years old and I have not grown since 5th grade.... why'd you do that to me? I mean, I do win all the limbo games, but... what's up? I'm 5' 2"..... am I gonna grow anymore?" God: "I made people in all sizes for the simple reason that it's always quite easy to find someone who is shorter/fatter/stupider than you are to hang out with, so everyone will make fun of them instead of you. Diversity is a beautiful thing." Beatrice: "What am I suppose to do for a living when I grow up?" God: "Can you ring a bell and hold a red bucket?"
God: "Of course I do, Jana. I love everyone. Even the people I condemn to eternities in hell, turn to pillars of salt, or drown in giant floods. So there's nothing to worry about. Err.. yeah." Demitria: "Is there really...you know...only one of you? Apparently there's some confusion in the Bible as regards that...all the business about "Elohim" being plural, and all. I think that you're actually a committee sometimes." God: "Last time I checked it's just the one of me. I do talk to myself though, sometimes. Maybe that's what's causing all the fuss.. if it wasn't such a nasty habit to break, I'd sure give it a try for you." Anonymous: "How likely am I to marry my current girlfriend? And wll she bear me a son?" God: "Yes, you will marry her and be very happy, blissfully unaware that the children she bears you actually belong to the various people who deliver the mail and pick up the trash. Oh.. wait.. it's changing, scratch that. You wont marry her after all. Strange."
God: "Though I do watch over all my children, I do not have time to watch quite that closely. That thing you do with the pole, though.. I would keep doing that. For your sake, I mean. it's not like it matters to me at all, okay? Really. You might want to bring another girl into the act too, but like I said--I couldn't possibly care less. I mean it. C'mon, seriously. Whoever is chuckling better not think I can't find out who they are." Turtle: "Why don't you send me any e-mail? And can you fix my keyboard problem so that I don't have to take my lap top to the shop? Thanks Big Guy." God: [editors note: I felt that God would want me to paraphrase his statement for posting on the website. He basically said not to go to heaven. God does have a sense of humor, however, so this may have simply been a joke. Only time will tell, I suppose. Good luck my friend.] Jen: "How did you make Hanson so damn sexy? We need more of them, I tell you, more!" God: "Yes, hell is getting a bit empty nowadays. I'll work on that." Want more prayers? Try our..
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redpillza:
"God, why is it that I've started working out more and my arse has
gained 3 inches?"
nicky:
"does god like muslims"
Nick:
"I want to pray for the righteous minister at our Baptist church.
He is a man of god and very religious. Recently he was accused of having
a relationship with one of the ladies in our church. Mrs. Gloria Washington
told our members that she saw our minister in the back seat of the church
bus humping Mrs. Margaret Dunright. We approached the minister and his
wife with this problem and he was so angry that he shouted, "That's
a God-Damned lie!" We know our minister is a good man and not a sexual
heathen. We know he would NEVER have sex with anyone but his wife. Mrs.
Washington has never told a lie in her life until now. We want god to
forgive her for lying. Will you god? By the way god...we had a vote in
our church as to who was the member's favorite of the blessed trinity;
60% percent voted for you god, 28% voted for Jesus and 12% voted for the
holy ghost. Thought you might like to know. Amen"
Dina
Felice: "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin? And do they
prefer to do that dancing with or without their clothes on?"
Tonya:
"Dear God, Will you please help me get 5 extra bonus points in my
pharmacology class at school. And please tell me if my teacher will ever
stop making us curtsy to her before class? And please tell me if I will
ever be able to turn the preacher at school into a sinner because HE IS
HOT!!!!"
Anonymous:
"Jesus wants me for a sunbeam, what the HELL is that about?"
big_n_clever:
"why are people so disrespective of god these days that they create
stupid websites that gullible people may actually believe?"
brad
forrest-holden: "will i ever win the lottery ? if so when and how
much?"
god_is_in_the_tv:
"Thanks for the transfer back home, and thanks for the new job. Can
you fix it so I get paid more so I won't have to get a roommate? And if
the answer is no, can you fix it so the roommate I do get isn't a freak,
and addict, a thief or a drama queen?"
Bill
Jensen: "Are you omniscient?"
Anonymous:
"Wassup with all the different religions???, and whitch one is truly
right"
Jennifer:
"Am I on the right path to righteousness? I'm following what makes
me comfortable, but to the church it's not right. If it's not right, why
am I so happy?"
Mans
mental punching bag: "Why did it take you 10 years to give him to
me and when you did, he was all jacked up!!!???"
Bob
the crossdressing dinosaur: "'God,' just two questions, 1 is how
much is that doggie in the window? And two is why is Cristmas so durned
commercical?"
Jamie:
"How come I have no friends?"
Eternal
Winter: "Hey God, I don't believe you're real and all, but if you
are, I'd like you to tell me why you let Dubya become President. Not only
is he terminally annoying, but I suspect this is part of your plan to
set in motion the final chain of events leading to Armageddon. If so,
man...couldn't you have held off another 30 or 40 years till I shuffled
off this mortal coil? I have one kid grown and out of the house and the
other one in the on-deck circle. My life just started being fun! I don't
want it ruined with government-subsidized religious outreach programs,
not to mention the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse..."
Heather:
"Will I get into Physical Therapy school?"
Jesus:
"Dad, I just wanted to ask you something. When am I getting my own
heaven? I'm tired of living in the same one with you after all these years.
I think that after 2000 years I am now mature enough to handle such a
responsibility. Thanx."
Anonymous:
"When will I win the lotto and Do cats really have nine lives?"
Anonymous:
"Dear God, I haven't always been a "good little girl",
but have changed my life around dramatically, for the better. I am now
struggling drastically in life more than I ever have before. A lot of
bad had come my way. I don't believe in the "what goes around comes
around" theory, cuz I don't think I have done THAT many bad things
to be punished for. Any idea on "when it will be my turn" to
have some good come my way?"
The
Lily: "Why do cats race around the house with fuzzy tails and spinning
eyes?"
God:
"Thank you very much, and you're quite welcome. Salma Hayek and the
Yankees were obviously some of my better work. I think you're not seeing
the big picture when it comes to Canada, though. How could the world survive
withoot maple syrup, Wayne Gretsky and Canadian beer, eh?"
