 |
  |
|
 |
 |
|
 |
||
 |
||
 |
||
|
|
|
||||||||
|
God: Because if babies had huge penises they would look funny. MORTAR: if you created man who created me? God: Me. Alex Baine: Dear Lord, I am having some trouble with my hair style. What would you recomend, at the moment it is very long. should i get it shaved or anything else, can you help? God: Since I have nothing better to do than answer your hair styling questions--oh, wait.. I forgot. I do. A Concerned Friend: God, My friend is always going out and getting completely hammered and I worry about her. One of these days she's going to end up pregnant or worse, but she won't listen to my guidance. Is there anything you can do to help? God: Tell your friend that getting hammered and nailed isn't always all it's cracked up to be. Just ask my son, Jesus.
God: When the mormons have baptized all the dead people, of course. Peter: WIll I ever become famous? When and how? How many cats dose it take to make a dog? God: It takes one cat rib to make a dog. Jiltman: Dear Lord, I have strange feelings iside my body. I am unsure of my sexuality and would like to know which waay to turn -- From Your Humble Slave. God: I can't quite understand why so many of you are unsure about your sexuality -- look at a pretty girl and a pretty guy and make a note of which one you want to sleep with more. Anonymous: God, you big creator of all things except polythene, i would like power like no mortal has experienced ever. God: Would you like fries with that?
God: Sorry, I missed your question. I was distracted by your shockingly enormous ass. Ineedgudscores: God let me have top optionals tests scores and let me pass all exams i take and have £1000000.00 givin to me in a will. and God if there is a hell with Heavy metal bands then I'm gonna do a re-org when i get there so theres only Garage there. Is dat ok? Aman- Garagerulzok! God: Alright, I've killed off one of your most beloved relatives so you can get money from their will. I've used the money to pay your test graders so they'll give you top scores. I wonder: Dear God is there a hell or just heaven? Amen God: Well, I have to have somewhere for people who ask stupid questions, don't I?
God: It will be the next person who dumps you, except right before that happens. Anonymous: Have you read 'The Hitchhiker's guide to the universe'? God: Don't Panic -- I've read the whole series. Anonymous: if dogs get to live in heaven then how come cats don't? God: Because the dogs would eat them anyway. Anonymous: Please God, I'm only 10 and 3/4 years old and I was wondering is you could tell me how to make myself heavier. You see, I have a Judo club every Tuesday and everyone always beats me because I'm so light. So, please God can you help me? God: If you lay down, cover your head with your arms and scream, "Don't hurt my face! Don't hurt my face!" You're going to lose even if you're 600 pounds.
God: Just a moment, my child. [Editor's Note: Several moments pass in silence and then God returns] They do make little clouds. Voice of the mysterons: Will my next car last longer than three months 'o' wonderous one? God: If you don't drive it. Anonymous: Whens the ARmageddon coming? Is it in 2005?? God: I'm not yet sure. I have to build up a great deal of righteously angry energy first. And I have to make a list of the things I want to save first. The whole "two of each animal" thing before was pretty silly. I might save a rose for the wife and a puppy for Jesus. And I might want a big box of Velcro and a Whopper from Burger King. And fries. And one of those machines that gives you plastic rings and stickers and stuff in little plastic bubbles when you put in two quarters. I'd like some grape Bubble Yum too, but I think they stopped making it. Those jerks. Okay, now I'm starting to get angry. 2005 is looking better all the time.
God: When they can play on a permafrost field when hell freezes over. Anonymous: I have noticed that the prayers on this website are answered in an uncaring fashion, with jokes and puns structuring the answer. For example, one person was praying for her love to come back, and the reply was just a prargraph of meaningless jokes, that would just cause sadness and anger. God is caring, kind and trsutworthy - not the opposite! We give him our prayers through trust - we don't expect to receive some half-hearted replies which mean nothing and hardly relate to our pleas......! >:( God: Okay. So a priest, a rabbi, and a minister go into a bar. The Bartender looks up and says, "What is this.. a joke?" Annie Tweedy: Does Alan love me as muchas i love him? God: I believe it's customary to ask a rose this question as you pluck its petals one by one. You know.. he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me. In your specific case, though, if you get a rose with an even number of petals you'd better start with "He loves me" and if you get an odd number of petals you'd better start with "He loves me not" in order to get a precise reading.
God: I don't know about "damned forever". That might be a bit harsh. Maybe just damned for a few years, or something. Maybe a thousand years.. no more than that, certainly. A good man worshipping a false god might only get five hundred years, tops. A lot of this, you have to understand, depends on my mood at the time of death. Chris.B: Hi there god??? i was just wonderring if you could tell me when Chesney Hawkes will get his next number one hit in the UK charts? i have been eagily awaiting this date for many years, and im hoping that stumbling accross this site has increased my chances of finding out... Thankyou, godbless and Happy Christmas God: Unfortunately his first hit is going to be "the one and only" hit. According to his website, he has said, "If I were to pick another career, I would want to be one of those guys that blow up luggage left at airports." So let's all wish him the best of luck with that.
God: Hello, Chris, I am just heavenly. Thanks for asking. You will meet Emma Watson, but it won't be for many years. After the first few Harry Potter movies, Emma will become hugely arrogant and demand unreasonable amounts of money causing her to not be recast for the part. Several years down the road, after several bad investments (mostly in alcoholic beverages she sloshes all over herself in a drunken stupor) she'll be reduced to begging. You'll meet her at this point. She'll ask you for a dollar and you'll pretend you don't have one. Then she'll call you a God-damned muggle, shake a stick at you and scream, "Cruciatus!" You'll feel a little tingle, but it's just indigestion, not dark magic. Anonymous: I would like to know why I have lived below the poverty level of income for nearly 7 years now. I tith and give offerings. Plus when will things turn around for me financially- an exact date would be nice to know when my financial breakthough is coming.also am I wasting my time praying for a husband? and when if ever will he come into my life. God: An immediate way to increase your financial situation is to STOP tithing. As for the husband thing, keep paying your tithe and I'll see what I can do about delivering one for you in return. Hmm.. I guess you can't have everything, eh?
God: Well, I guess getting nailed with a cross is a lot more fun than getting nailed TO a cross. Anonymous: How can i know when I have achieved my highest spiritual plane? Do I have to choose between spiritual growth and intellectual growth? Which is better? God: If you grow too far spiritually, you'll realize how silly your faith is. If you grow too far intellectually, you'll finally realize you know nothing at all. It's best to just leave well enough alone. Ashley: I want to know if Buddy and I were meant to be? God: No one with a name like "Buddy" deserves to be happy. I'm going to work on that. Phobos: What will it take for me to get the power to SMITE people at my own will? God: For novice work you need only the requisite biological components. Fist, arm, etc. There are also physiological necessities--your brain must be able to send adequate signals to your muscles, etc. The trick is not getting beaten up by the person you decide to smite. If you meant floods and famines and things like that -- keep dreaming.
God: Since cockroach cells don't divide like human cells do, they're less vulnerable to radiation. I say this because their purpose iS to evolve and rebuild civilization after humans have burned themselves off the face of the earth. KC5TTY from Oklahoma: When Hoyt Axton sang "Well I've never been to Heaven but I've been to Oklahoma" was he being cute or is Oklahoma close to the ideal of Heaven? I'm surrounded by Okies and it doesn't seem that way. Thank you. God: Like he said himself, in the song, "What does it matter; what does it matter?" SkunkPuppet: O, God. Will my German Shephard *EVER* learn to stop jumping on people with her muddy paws and will she ever stop the constant harassment of the cats? God: I told Noah not to bring German Shepherds, but did he listen? I should have drowned him.
God: I can't give Osama Bin Laden gonorrhea, but I'll give it to Sadam Hussein to make up for it. What's good for for Bush is good for me. Your boyfriend might be more positive and have more ambition if his bad-debt-bill-piling girlfriend wasn't bringing him down. Mystic Memories: Did you create the Faerie creatures? If yes, why, and if no, why not? God: I created everything--including your delusions. Anonymous: Hey God, I was just thinking that You and I have known each other for quite awhile now (as Earth years go) and, just as you granted your pal Moses' request, I was wondering if you would "Show me your glory," as well. If it was a one time thing, that's okay (I know your penchant for originality...Isaiah 43:18-19 and all), but I can't imagine anything better than catching a glimpse of You. P.S. Sorry to waste paper with the Prayer-O-Matic, but I just wanted the request in writing. God: I killed Moses after he wandered in the wilderness for 40 years instead of allowing him to reach the Promised Land because he tapped a rock twice instead of tapping it once like I told him to. Are you really sure you want to follow in his footsteps? I'm not just about nifty special effects, you know, I'm a horrible, immoral being. I'm God, though, so you'll just have to live with it.
God: That's why all of the roaches and most of the humans have to go to hell. Anonymous: Why doesn't anything seem to go my way? I feel like I'm the one who always gets the left-over or the butt of everything. Like the labtop $$ ??? Why did my mom keep the $$ to herself instead of doing what my grandpa asked??? Why can't I go to prom instead of the Kentucky Derby???? Why does my family try to force religion down my throat??? Why do I feel alone?? WHY WHY WHY???? God: The answers to your questions are: I don't know, why don't you ask her, just because, because I said so, and that's just the way it is. I'll let you sort it all out yourself. Anonymous: Will I ever get over my impatient grumpy snappy debaucherous freaking out at everyone phase? I only have one friend left and she is on the proverbial edge of quitting me. Again. God: The next time you see a Nike shoe commercial, listen for a simple solution to your problem.
God: If you don't mind sharing your clothes, I don't see why not. Anonymous: Do you have TP for my bunghole? Or are you just threatening me? God: What did I tell you about misusing the Prayer-O-Matic, buttmunch? Mary: Dear God, What is going to happen in my relationship? Love, Mary God: You'll become married and have several children, the youngest of whom will become the anti-christ.. all because you laughed and didn't think I was really God when you read this prophecy. Alleee: Dear God: What's your favorite color? If you were a tree, which tree would you be, and why? What are your turn-offs, and turn-ons? If you had a hammer, would you hammer in the morning, or in the evening? What's your sign? What are your fave bands? Are you going out with anyone? Are you cut, or uncut? What are you wearing? Should I call you Mr., Miss, or Mrs.? Are you there, God? It's Me, Alleee! God: My favorite colors are green and blue. If I were a tree I would have created myself, which isn't possible, so I'll pass on that one. My turn-ons are spoken-for women named Mary, my turn-offs are sinners. I hammer at all times of the day. My sign is a burning bush. My favorite bands are halos. I am not currently seeing anyone. I am cut. I am wearing a really cool designer toga. I am male, but you can just call me "God" not "Mister". I am here, there, and everywhere.
God: As you'll read in Leviticus, "if a man take a wife and her mother, it is wickedness: they shall be burnt with fire, both he and they". So threesomes are okay as long as it's not your wife and your mother-in-law. Oh, and make sure one of the girls isn't your neighbor's wife or you'll be burned or stoned or something. It's all in Leviticus--read up. To answer your next question, anything goes in hell--all kinds of sex are hot down there. Granma: Dear God, Why do we humans have so many icky bodily functions? You COULD have made us a bit tidier in that respect! God: The original models were very clean--then some weird fruit tree and a serpent taught y'all to pee and screw and sneeze and all that stuff. Sorry about that. Big Steve: Please, God, help me to become wealthy beyond imagination. So, how long do you think that will take? God: Unfortunately it is possible to imagine an infinite number, therefore your "beyond imagination" request cannot be honored.
God: You're joking, right? Margaret: Please, I pray that I may conceive a child in the next few months. I am 34 and childless and my Husband and I desire a child of our own. God: Well, I was just supposed to have the One Begotten Son, but check with your husband and see if it's okay. I might be able to swing by sometime next week. Ace Picker: Why is my band being plagued with so much negativity and being boycotted by so many people? God: Recent polling would suggest that 9 out of 10 people prefer that their ears not bleed. Kylie: when will i have kids? God: The answer is fuzzy.. go shake an 8 ball. Sally: i'm thinking about taking up another religion for a while. any suggestions? God: As long as it's a Christian religion, it's tops with me. If you see two people in suits riding bicycles, though, run the other way--no one can afford what they're selling.
God: Well, Joey Jo Jo, I'd have to say, Joey, no no. One-Of-Many-Questions: God, why are Baptists the way they are?? I mean, are THEY right and we're all going to hell because they don't like the things we do? Or are THEY the ones that are wrong? They go around telling everyone that for every little thing we do, we're gonna go to hell, it's evil. They're going to get a shock when someone turns around and proves that THEY are wrong. God: If you think everyone else is going to hell it akes you feel pretty damned good about yourself. That's why they're like that. You won't go to hell just because you don't do what the Baptists think you should--only my whim can do that. DAN: I was wondering if i will ever get laid? If Yes, by whom? God: If you go to Hawaii you may get leid.. that's about as close as you're going to get.
God: Luckily I'm better at decision making, so I'll answer the third of your three questions. 27 mph without carrying a coconut and 0 mph trying to carry a coconut, unless it has a friend, then it gets a bit complicated. Don Alfonzo de Colombo: Why is my girlfriend such a pain in the ass? What did I do wrong this time? God: She probably overheard you calling her a pain in the ass in your evening prayers. Massivefoot: God, why did you give me such big feet? They are an inconvenience!!! Have you ever tried to buy a size 17 rugby boot?????? God: You're just mad that the old saying about foot size isn't always true. Andrew and Chris: Dear God, if you have Created everything, tan why has the Sage of Beer created beer? P.S. Don't give us any lip because we worship the almighy Sage of Beer. The Editor: I didn't activate the Prayer-O-Matic to answer this question since God has asked that people be sober when they pray. Sorry.
God: Yes, when you're arrested for stalking and she has to identify you. DC: I was wondering, if it is in your plan, if you could reunite me with the man who went away. I know we were meant to be and that we have more to learn from each other. I have been forever changed by his absence. God: I don't normally interfere with Earthly problems as small as this one, because if I reunited one person with a lost love everyone would want me to do the same for them. But since it means so much to you, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to kick back on a cloud this afternoon, drink some beer and maybe go out later and do something or other. Oh, hey, good luck with that, uh, whatever problem you said you were having. Starburst: Dear God... could you please help me to understand why the annoying people are the ones who are getting all the great people to marry them, leaving me with noone as of now? I am really getting frustrated with that. God: You may have to do like all the other great people have done and marry someone annoying.
God: Luckily only a small percentage of humanity is able to put reason and logic ahead of faith and comfort. Otherwise, I'd be out of a job. Sum Guy: [Editor's Note, this and the next five questions were sent together] What do you really think about premartial sex? God: I don't mind if someone has sex without becoming martial. Sum Guy: Exactly how deadly are the seven deadly sins (if they truely exist at all)? God: Well, I'm glad someone asked me this, actually. That's one of those biblical mistranslations, you see. They aren't DEADLY sins.. they're DEITY sins. I was making a list one day of things I like to do that I don't allow you all to do. It's fairly short. Pride--worship me. Envy--don't worship those other gods. Gluttony--I just can't get enough. Lust--I couldn't even keep my hands off my creations (Mary). Anger--I've killed billions of you in numerous horrible ways. Greed--It's mine, all mine. Sloth -- it took me nearly a week to make your solar system and I've been slacking off ever since.
God: Yes. Dogs, fish, birds, horses and rabbits all go to heaven as a general rule and cats, turtles, monkeys, porcupines, mormons, iguanas and frogs all go to hell. Sum Guy: Do all Nazis really go to hell? God: Hell is too good for them--they're reincarnated. Sum Guy: Is heaven all it's really cracked up to be (how's the weather in purgatory)? God: I'm a deity, not a travel agent. Akken Bom: Please give me a lot of money,and many hot girls.Give me power to rule the world. God: No. Mr. John: Did I ever really like clowns? or was it just a sick joke by my parents to invite one to my fifth birthday? God: When your dad is Stephen King you have to expect strange birthday presents. He's very "Penny Wise".
God: There are a couple major contradictions in your prayer. If you don't know I'm here, you're not doing a very good job in the believing category. If you're looking for happiness, stop looking for the meaning of life--that's like looking for your keys when you've actually lost a sock. A. Pore Sinhur: Dear God, would it be too much to ask for you to come hang out with me sometime? I want to impress all my friends and besides, I have a few questions for you. Lunch, perhaps? I'll let you cook; I'm sure you're better at it. But I'll do the dishes, I promise. Forgive me for the criticism, but it's high time you came down and chilled with the little people. Besides, don't you get bored up there? God: I really appreciate the invitation. Some people think that just because I'll inevitably smite you all in one way or another, it means I don't like to be sociable. I'd love to come to lunch and cook you. I roast a mean sinner.
God: Sorry, you're still going to hell. Tight1: Why the Baha Men? They should be shot. God: Yeah, who let those dogs out? Luis: Why on earth are men from mars and women from venus? That's a real pain. God: You need to re-read Genesis--both sexes are from Earth. The real problem with relationships is that some of you are incapable of compromise. You're selfish, whining, and spoiled, with standards for others that you could never live up to yourself. Logic and reason often elude you, but you don't care. You believe that the world revolves around you and your partner should bow to your will--and the rest of you are men. T-Dawg (A.K.A Ladies' Man): Why the H-E Double Hocky Sticks did you make all the lesbians so damn HOTT??????? God: Executives in the pornography industry pray too.
God: If I answered prayers like that, Ted Koppel and William Shatner would have stopped bugging me years ago. Mickey Mouse: How come I am still grounded for something I did 3 months ago? How come my ears buzz and the voices start screaming every time I enter my school? Why am I asking you this? God: You hear screaming because you forgot to dress yourself and show up to school naked. That's also why you're still grounded. Dennis: Dear God, I have just found what I believe to be the missing first page of the bible, quoute: "To my dear wife Anne, The story, all names, characters and incidents portrayed in this book are fictitious. No identification with actual persons, places, buildings and products is intended or should be inferred." Could you guide me on who to send this prayer to? God: You may personally deliver your message to our Eternal Complaints Department. Brad Paisley will give you directions: There's two feet of topsoil, a little bit of bedrock, limestone in between; a fossilized dinosaur, a little patch of crude oil, a thousand feet of granite underneath and then you're there. It's a bit warm, so dress accordingly.
God: Yes, you will be together forever and blissfully happy. (What? Can't I be nice for once?) EvilRelic: Dear God, I wonder why it is that all the mormons I know treat everyone outside their religion like crap. What's the big deal? Are they so certain that they're right that they're willing to offend thousands of potential converts? God: I wouldn't give too much credit to the opinions of people who give 10% of their income to buy their way into heaven, think that black people have the mark of Cain for having been less valiant before birth, believe in the value of blood atonement, brainwash their children, and think scripture chasing should be an Olympic sport. If someone who lets people wash and annoint their loins in secret temple cerimonies treats you like crap, it's a compliment. Steve Russon: Am I going about things the right way to end up very happy with Howard and will it last forever? ta then God: You're doing everything mostly right, but there are a couple of little things you're doing wrong that will slowly eat away at your relationship until you both hate each other and neither one of you is entirely sure just why. You can solve these issues very easily, if you just know what they are. In fact--oh, we're out of time. Sorry. Want more prayers? Try our..
Want to send your own prayer? Then
you need..
|
|
|||
 |
|||||
C-Diddy:
God....Why was i born with such a small penis?
josh:
when will the end of the earth be?
Alison:
Is being attracted to a member of the same sex against your beliefs Father?
Do you accept lesbians into heaven? I feel like an outcast! P.S. as you
are watching me now do you think my bum looks big in this! I can accept
the truth Father!
Kieran:
dear god i want to know who i will go out with next. please tell me. amen
zenkatz:
Dear God, Why don't farts make a little cloud in the cold air like your
breath does? This really bothers me, and I have to know. Amen
Oli:
Dear God, When will Liverpool win the Premier league.
ishmael:
dear God... do all those who not worship you be damned forever..? Does
a good man worshipping a false god be punished for his ignorance..?
Chris
Johnson: hi God,u ok? I want to know if I'll ever get to meet emma watson
from harry potter thanks
Mary
Moran: My boyfreind recently bought me a gift for a joke. It was a rubber
like crucifix of Jesus.Since then I have used it a few times.I must admit
it does fill good.Am I sinning? Is this wrong? I do love the lord jesus
now more than ever.I rejoice with him every chance I get. 
Super-saiyan
spud: Ok, what was the poin tof creating cockroaches. They serve no useful
purpose. Also, what's your favorite band?
XstephX:
Dear God, Please give Osama Bin Laden and all his cohorts gonorrhea and
let them die a painful and long death. After that, can you make my boyfriend
stop being so negative and have some damn ambition? Also, I'd really appreciate
it if you would suddenly make all of my bills disappear and my credit
report have an A++++++ rating. Thanks so much for your time God!
Anonymous:
God,if every living creature that has that "spark" of life that
we all do goes to heaven it must be a bloody big place & the exterminator
who kills all of my roaches has got to be going to hell regardless of
how many hail marys & our fathers he says
Odd
Ogg: Can I find sexual satisfaction in an intimate relationship with a
loving transvestite?
Patrick
"the depraved" London: I want a threesome with my wife and her
sister. Is the bible ok with that or will I go to hell. also are threesomes
ok in hell?
donniewan:
Will I receive Social Security?
Joey
Jo-Jo Shabado: Hi God, it`s me, Joey Jo Jo. Can you tell me, great and
powerful one, if I will get back with my ex-girlfriend? That`s it nothing
big.
Mycha:
I would like to know if I am going to be cast in the show I just auditioned
for or not. Also, what is the meaning of life? And what is the average
velocity of the african swallow? *so sorry, God that I'm actually asking
three questions, I just can't decide between them :)
Biff:
Will I ever meet Leeloo?
TSL
(aka HappyHeretic): Dear non-existant entity, Why did you give mankind
reason and logic? It seems that when they actually engage these tools
that you disappear and that they function independantly... hmmm.
Sum
Guy: Do all dogs really go to heaven?
